Welcome Home Sister

So here we are. Probably somewhere in your 40's or 50's like me and trying to fiigure this shit out. Just like me.

Your catching me on a day where I may be blunt, and if you've known me for any length of time that's not going to be a shock.

I am 50 years old, going through a divorce that feels like shit, and a mom of 4, almost all grown, gorgeous women. Plus, I'm a super proud Ya-ya of my 1 year old grandson.

So why this, why now?

Well, here's the truth in all it's glory.

Story time...

For 25 years of my career I have worked for a man or been in business with a man.

This isn't going to be a man-haters-club post, but it will be honest.

I have spend the better part of my life working for someone else's vision. Some times it was good, most of the time not. I had a few years of my own coaching business and brand, but frankly, by then, I was fucking tired and burnt out and still lacked the confidence I needed to see it through long term. I did love the one on one work I did though.

I have been separated more than once from the man I really wanted to spend life with. He's on the spectrum and that is black and white, why it never works. He's done a ton of personal development work and no one has worked harder at trying to be what I want/need, than him, it just one of those things where you need to just call 'uncle' and move on. Simple, but brutal.

So my life revolved around that unhappiness. Revolved around men in one form or another. Seems stupid to say it like that, but that's the truth. I was so miserable for so long all I thought about was when I was finally free, I would feel so much better. And in many ways that is true, but in many ways it's not.

I am deep in perimenopause. Have been for a couple of years as far as I can tell.

This is really when things really shifted for me.

It started around 48 and has just kept getting more and more intense since.

It was some moodiness at first that turned in to a fucking blinding rage.

Then came the depression, which is still around, but a lot less. It was so bad that I was laying in bed for full days, having thoughts of suicide and had absolutely zero drive for anything.

It was terrifying. Ken was scared too. This was not like me and the things I would say were chilling. I told him how I was feeling and he really didn't know what to do about it.

I decided then to start researching HRT. It changed my life and I will advocate forever, that you need to do some re-introduction into it. We 70's and 80's babies were told we'd get all sorts of cancer if we did it, that study was simply not accurate. There is a ton of up to date data now that you should read, I will link it here.

So late 2024, early 2025, I decided it was time to leave my marriage. For good. Take control of the way I lived. Then life had other plans. Our oldest was really having a tough time. She was pregnant and single and needed lots of extra Mom and Dad time. So in May when the little guy was born, she moved in a few weeks after. I knew my move was going to be postponed, it was necessary and I was happy to do it. In my mind, I'd stay for another year and help our girl and our little grandson. And I did.

I moved out April 26th. I was free. Or so I thought.

It's been about a month and a half since I got the keys.

I live in a very cute, but very dark basement apartment part time with the youngest kiddo. She just turned 17 and is starting to want more and more freedom from the nest. I am gutted. I won't lie.

I feel sad a lot of the time, and frankly, really lonely.

Empty nest is a really devastating feeling. No one warns you, you only hear the women who are "so pumped" to have their lives back etc. I am not one of them. I am really heartbroken that that part of my life is over with my girls. The part where they want to play dress up and play make-believe and just be with you reading.

I miss the activities. The swimming lessons, the volunteering at the school. The field trips. All of it. I miss it.

I miss being needed like that by them.

I know we've done our jobs and I know we did it well, not perfect, but well. I know it's a sign you did it right when they have confidence to soar, but my mom heart aches for when they were little.

As I sit here, writing this, and sobbing, I know you can probably relate to a lot of this.

This season we're in is hard.

Yes, there are for sure ways to make it better. But if you're new to realizing you're not happy or that things are feeling like they used to, you're not alone.

Feeling like you have no idea what the fuck to do next is a part of this season.

It's where I have been stuck for months.

And then I wasn't stuck.

I had something come up last week that rocked me.

It was a work related issue that made me realize something profound.

The thing about this season of menopause is that yes, you get all these crazy symptoms, but you also get clarity. Crystal clear clarity. And your tolerance for bullshit goes away. Sometimes quickly and fiercely lol.

Mine came in the form of control. I realized that I have allowed someone outside of ME, control my life when it comes to money. Every damn turn, someone else was driving.

I have clarity on who I am and who I want to be. That is the gift that has come with this season.

And when you find that clarity, it's going to rattle the people closest to you. If they are paying attention though, they will see how good a thing it actually is.

Clarity for who you are, what you want, what you're going to say no to, what you're going to say yes to also.

So, yes, this part can certainly suck, but we can also be here for each other through it and maybe share some insights too.

If you feel like you've lost your shit, don't worry, we all feel that way...good news?

You haven't. You're going through the shit to get to the other side. I hear it's amazing over there lol...

Let's go together shall we:)

Cara

ps. please share this with any other woman you know who's going through it now.